Monday, February 4, 2013


A scene from Julie & Julia, 2009

Well it's Monday again...and frankly I'm so happy to be at my lil cubicle right now. The past 72 hours have been breaking back hard! My boyfriend and I FINALLY MOVED IN TOGETHER!! But, I forgot how hard it is to help someone move and oh yeah actually clean up my own house. I'm embarrassed to say I think this was the first time I've cleaned all my radiators in 2 years. I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom & kitchen floors and I swear my next place I live in will be on the first floor. 13 stairs can feel like a thousand after you go up and down them a hundred times. Since it's only been a wee few hours since we've been officially living together I don't have any updates except for the fact that being honest is the only way this is going to work. The realization hit me when I had to tell Craig I had a headache because he was playing the guitar at 11:56pm last night. Honesty will have to be our other roommate, no questions asked. 

The topic of Honesty got me thinking about the other important event I had to go to this weekend...I met up with the other bridesmaids for my best friend's wedding to help plan the little details. It went well, but there is something that's bugging me about my friend's wedding. I know there is really is NOT a set time frame where someone has to be married by or proposed by in a relationship. It just happens or it doesn't. My friend is getting married and they've only been together a month less than Craig and I. Yeah, how weird is that?!?! I'm moving in with my boyfriend and she is marrying her boyfriend in the same span of time. BUT, the future bride isn't exactly being completely honest with her fiancee and it's bugging the hell out of me.

My friend Helen at one point in her life was 400 pounds. She made a choice to have a gastric bypass because she had severe sleep apnea and beginning to show signs of early illnesses. She had the surgery and has been a complete success. She has lost so much weight and is actually about 20 pounds thinner than me and I'm about 170. She met her fiancee while she was thin and has decided NOT to tell her boyfriend how she lost the weight. She has not & will probably never tell him about the surgery. Her boyfriend is a large man and earlier last year had health issues that are stemming from him being so overweight. An option I feel he should be batting around is the gastric bypass surgery because he is a young guy and when future severe health issues are possible futures ALL options need to be discussed.  Now Helen went through all of this process...She made the decision 5 years ago and has kept up with it. It was a hard time in her life that has shaped her who she is today. She had great days and bad days and has been through it all...Well...

Wouldn't you think that if you had a real opportunity to help out your future husband by sharing your past, which could ultimately help save his life or make him healthier, that you would want to share it with him? Wouldn't you want to be there for him as someone with experience in his struggle if surgery was an option for him? Wouldn't you want to honest with your future husband about "Who" you really are?

It's not my life or my decisions, but I wish she was honest with her fiancee. I understand that it is hard to come to terms with such a drastic event and acknowledge deep personal struggles, but if it could really help her fiancee why not let him in? I know it's her decision and her choice to tell him or not, but I don't see why she is not sharing it with him. I just can't understand.

Am I Wrong to feel this way? I'm not sure... But I don't see the benefit in holding a secret that could really make a difference in someone's life that you love. Honestly, I can't wrap my head around it...

Have You Ever Kept a Secret from a Significant Other? Why? 
I'd love to hear...

Big Fish, 2003


  1. I hope you have lots of time to recover from the big move this week! I don't agree that there is a set time frame for getting married in -- my cousin was with his now wife for almost 10 years before they got married!

    I'm really sad that your friend doesn't feel comfortable telling her fiance important things about her life. You don't have to tell someone everything all at once, but to purposefully avoid the same subject over and over, one that really shouldn't be a huge deal just doesn't make a lot of sense. I hope that she realizes that this man loves her... and that he will still love her once she opens up and shares.

  2. Best luck on your new step, you will have to survive in the begining there are always bad situations and you are right the best option to choose is honestity, and I also agree with you about your friend problem, she should be honest and help his fiancee, but it's her option so you should advice your friend but never force her to do anything that she doesn't want.
    have a wonderful week.

  3. I sympathize with you moving! I played nomad for awhile; for two years, I flipped back and forth between Indiana and Iowa. I had things stowed in my car, at my mom's house in Iowa, at my then-boyfriend's house in Indiana, at friends' homes ... things were everywhere, and I never felt that I had a "place." A spot. It was always chaotic to me. It's nice to be settled in my own place right now, though my fiance, I know, isn't fully settled. Him living with me just sort of ... happened. It's hard; I, admittedly, am a difficult person to live with. I'm freakishly organized (i.e. anal) and possessive. However, the biggest thing is COMMUNICATION. And, yes, honesty. I kept one thing from my fiance for a couple of months, but then told him. He has kept other things from me that nearly resulted in a breakup. Wholly open individuals keep a relationship going--even if they are bad things, they must be said. (Granted, they must be said in a kind, not demeaning way.) Honesty is always, always, always healthy in a relationship.

    I hope that your friend is eventually comfortable in telling her fiance about her surgery. I think she could sympathize with him more and provide a great deal of support for him. He clearly already loves her--sharing her secret will only bring them closer.

  4. Congrats on the move in together! Can't wait to hear how it goes! :)

    The other situation is tough. I think I would be completely honest with my husband, but I know everyone is different and I've never been in her situation, so I guess I can't say for sure how I would react, even if I think it would be that of honesty and openness!

  5. Congrats on moving in together!! As far as the question, I think that by telling him that it would create more opennness and trust down the road. That being said, there's nothing inherently dishonest if she decides not to tell him. That's a tough one.

  6. If it was ME I'd tell him. But that's her decision. I don't know why she wouldn't share that information but I don't think it's something that would change or hurt their relationship, you know? Maybe there's reasons he wouldn't consider gastric bipass and he's already told her that so she doesn't think telling him her secret is worthwhile. There could be some reason.

    I've dealt with dishonesty in my past relationships. But I've dealt with the "lying about money, lying about cheating, etc." kind of stuff. I'd say as long as her secrets don't directly hurt their relationship then she's okay not telling him.

    Like I should, it wouldn't be my choice but to each their own.

  7. wow amazing post, glad you moved in with your boy friend, it's a good thing you know, i did that for a year with my partner, lol i got pregnant and we got married haha....(silly me) i got 2cuties now 6 and 7rys, we been together 10yrs and we still strong, you really need to be positive about this, there are gonna be times you feel funny about your decision never mind just do what's right, its a very hard task but follow ur brain there are loads of gains if you focus, and as for your friend am so over the moon for her loosing that much weight, wishing her all the best.

  8. love julie and julia!


  9. hmm this is kinda odd! i would think that she would want to help him since the surgery helped her. she seems embarrassed to tell him that she lost the weight from surgery, but she should be proud that she chose to take control of her life and has kept the weight off. maybe tell her that you think her fiancee would really benefit if she told him about her surgery.
    -- sephora giftcard giveaway

  10. I believe that honesty does help in every relationship. With regards to your friend keeping her secret. I must say it baffles me a bit especially since her partner is having to go through what she went through. That said, it's totally her decision whether to tell or not. I believe these things do reveal themselves somehow, especially if they're to be sharing a life together.

  11. Secrets are like knives. They hurt you either way you turn.

  12. First, congrats on moving in!!! :)

    Second, like you said in the beginning of the post - honesty. I cannot speak for John but as far as I'm concerned with our relationship - it's all on the table. No secrets at all... I hope your friend finds the courage to discuss her past with her new husband in hopes of bettering his future.

  13. YAY on being all moved in! I think Honesty (capital H) is really important. I know that when I first started dating IC I knew I liked him and the only way our relationship was going to work was if I could tell him when he annoyed me (which I'd never been able to do with a guy).

    As for the whole marriage thing, I don't think there is any time it just takes some couples a bit longer than others. IC and I got married way quicker than some of my friends who have been together longer then we have.

    I can totally understand why you think it's odd that your friend can't share her past! That would bother me too.

  14. That is so exciting about you moving in together, congratulations! I laughed about the cleaning thing, believe me sooner or later hes going to go through your undie drawer and see those nana knickers and then you will be a true domestic couple and know eachother inside and out lol.
    I know its hard but dont compare yourself to your friends relationships, everyone is different and grows at different times. My boyfriends best friend has been together less than me and him but they are engaged and having a baby. Im happy with where we are in our relationship and happy to go where it takes me. Enjoy it :)


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