Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Letting Go of the Fear...

I wish I remembered how I finally got the courage to tell my mother that I needed to go to the doctor to get my breasts checked because there were two large lumps growing on the right side of my right breast. I guess the combination of fear, anxiety, extreme exhaustion/insomnia & Epstein Bar can cause memory loss. All I remember is being with my mess of an ex fuck buddy friend at a car convention in western P.A. when I guided his hand to the side of my breast and told him to push in. His large brown eyes bugged out and he actually freaked out because he never "noticed the abnormality" while you know we were "together" *cough cough*. I remember crying to my best friend Danielle in 2004 that I had felt a knot in my breast and I was too scared to go the doctor just in case it was "something". 

When I finally mustered the courage to tell my Ob-gyn, who actually was my mom's doctor & delivered me as a baby (very weird btw), and I never forget his sigh and how his santa clause-ish laughs ceased. He scheduled me for a sonogram and I have never had more discrete men and women basically feel me up. At no point was I embarrassed...they were all very kind and helpful. Eventually when I got to my surgeon, whose first name was actually Faith, I burst into tears before she could examine me. She kept her doctor demeanor, but gave me a hug I so desperately needed. After a small biopsy, which I literally felt like Neo in the first Matrix movie when trinity put that machine on him to get out that squiggly bug out that Mr. Smith put in his belly button, I found out that I had Fibroids. Fibroids that were slowly disappearing, but were too large so there was an apprehension that within the holes created by them, a possible malignant tumor could form. 

Fibroids...are non-cancerous tumors that are caused by hormone imbalances. I was swamped with relief but the whole process was a mental hurdle I never thought I'd have to go through in my early 20's. I was 23. At 27, I have a faded line where the surgeon delicately removed the two nodules that were also luckily not attached to any breast tissue and sort of just popped out. If I hadn't told my boyfriend, he told me he never would have known. At 24 I had to remove another small fibroid from the same breast and that half moon is a lil more visible to this day....

I will never and can never forget the pain that I was in one Friday night after work. I had a shooting pain in my lower back that had my crawling on the floor of my parent's bathroom in gasping clueless agony. I knew I wasn't pregnant and it wasn't my time of the month so I was at a loss for words & ideas. I was a sweaty ball of disaster for 24 hours, only getting a small amount of relief when a stupid doctor, who couldn't pinpoint what the problem was, gave me a shot of pain medication and viccodin for possible severe menstrual cramps. The pain radiating from my ride side was so horrible but not low enough to be a appendicitis. 

The doctor missed that I was having a gallbladder attack. 

In his defense, my blood wasn't showing the usual signs of a burst or bad gall bladder because it had apparently not been working for quite some time and the gall stones filling my gall bladder were lodged in my bile ducts so where he pressed there was no pain. He wasn't pressing in the right spot to ignite the pain to the surface.

Once again I can't remember how it was finally determined that my gall bladder was in fact not working & when I finally had it removed, another surgery, the surgeon speculated it was probably not working for a year. I have to ask my mom about it, because I really am blanking on it. I'm staring down at my 5 lil slit scars on my tummy, so I know it all happened, but I can't remember who figured it out. I remember getting up on the surgeon's table but not how we finally figured it out. 

May 1st, 2013
For the past almost 3 years I haven't had more fibroids or other odd surgeries that people gasp about for my age.  But I think the scars are holding me back in more than ways than one. I'm not scared to show my gallbladder surgery scars to my boyfriend or  even my breast scars...they just look like I got scratched by cat...but I'm scared to push the envelope when working out & exercising. I've banished myself to the treadmill & bike because they are "safe" for me but I am missing out.  I know my stomach is isn't going to fall out or a wound isn't going to open but I have held back for a long long time at the gym claiming it's only been a few years...no more thinking what if I'm not healed all the way? It's been 4 years since the first surgery and I think it's time to not be afraid anymore. I think it's time to use the torso rotation machine and not make an excuse of why it may hurt me...I think it's time to use the arm work-out machines and not think oh it might hurt my breasts. It's time to let go of the clutch that I don't have anymore or need anymore. It's time to be a healthy & positive me that lives with no fear. 

Dieting & exercising is a process...a process I'm learning you need to be honest with yourself about your true goals and true weaknesses. One day at a time I know I can do it. 

On your Fitness Journey, What are some Fears & Weaknesses you've had to Overcome? 

I'd love to hear...

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  1. What a wonderful honest post! At 24 I went in for a regular pap and my ob/gyn said I had a tumor the size of a golf ball. By the time surgery came around a month later it was the size of a grapefruit, luckily it was not cancer. And my tiny, tiny scars remind me of how lucky I am every day.

  2. I'm coming back from injuries and I'm sort of scared to push my workouts right now. You are brave for writing this. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I love your forthcomingness (is that a word?) here. Thank you for sharing these with us. I have had a couple of scares (two times in my life they have suspected cancer and had to run me through a gauntlet of tests) and yes it's a super scary thing. I can relate so much to what you wrote here.

  4. Wonderful but truthful post . You're brave enough girl :)
    Noor @ Noor's Place

  5. i've had 2 fibroids removed, 1 biopsy (right breast), a colposcopy and hemorrhoids (recent) by the age of 37 so my body's been through a few things too. i can definitely tell you that the gym and eating healthy will do nothing but improve your health and overall well being. when you feel good and work your body hard, your self-awareness of your body improves and you become more attuned to what your body needs/is going through. you also have a better appreciation for your body in a sense that when something is amiss, you jump to get that shit checked out because through a healthy lifestyle, you learn that your body is your temple and you want to keep it in top shape.

    i'm glad that things are ok now; our bodies can go through some crazy things so just keep listening to your body and things will be ok. thanks for sharing in this honest and raw post. hugs xoxoxoox

  6. that's the beach i go to usually (ship bottom in LBI) - i live right across from the island - so i'm always meeting friends there for drinks, dinner or beach time :o)

    and girl i get touched up and sticked and everything EVERY 6 months by so many people - so many biopsies done - scars here and there - just take those scars and know you are SO MUCH stronger b/c of them - make them work for you! - don't ever let them hold you back b/c you are SO MUCH more then them! -- you are on the right track babes!

  7. I have always felt ridiculous running. I am only 4' 11" and I have to run double the steps to keep up with anyone. I always felt so silly. Couple that with my immense boobage and it's quite a sight for passers-by, I'm sure. But, I just throw on my sunglasses and head out. I've had to learn this is my jouurney and I can't let my concern over other people's opinions stop me. :)

  8. Don't ever be ashamed or nervous of your scars. Scars make people beautiful. :) :)

    Good for you for jumping over that hurdle!

  9. Wow, what an amazing journey you've had. It can be scary to admit that you think something is wrong and go to the doctor, and when you find out something is wrong, it can be hard to feel like it's ever right again. Good for you for having the courage to use those areas and not let fear hold you back.

  10. This is so important for so many people to get checked out right away. I think a lot of people are scared to do this, but you telling your story has given so many people the strength they need to just do it.

    I have a lot of fears, too many to count.

    PS... when you commented on my blog, I was JUST about to go to yours. Haha! Great minds!

  11. Wow Chloe, thanks so much for sharing this so openly with us. During the beginning of my pregnancy, my breasts kept hurting and even though I knew that breasts are meant to be sore when you first get pregnant, I was still pretty freaked out and I managed to convince myself I had something malicious since it seemed like I could feel lumps throughout both my breasts! A consult with our GP and an ultrasound later, it turns out I was fine. I simply had lumpy breasts.
    Such an immense relief...
    Ronnie xo

  12. Wow, Chloe- I'm happy that you are okay... You're a strong young woman to have dealt with that kind of stress so early on.

    My only fears at the gym are self conscious ones which I realize are ridiculous. When I'm there I try to remind myself that the only person I need to impress is me.

  13. wow! thanks for sharing such an honest post! it must've been so tough to go through but you're such a strong woman! i admire you for that!


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